I spend a lot of time in schools, workforces and residential colleges engaging with men and women, educating them about the law when it comes to violence against women and other issues involving sexual harassment, mobile phones and other social issues.
After being at the front line of educating about legal consequences and cultural change for more than 16 years I have had the privilege of seeing how far attitudes have advanced, particularly amongst the younger generations.
That is not to say that we don’t still have a long way to go.
Not surprisingly, there is very little focus on the positive advancements that have been made due to the horrific stories of violence that continue to dominate front pages and news feeds.
Invariably the news cycle becomes consumed with negative stories about masculinity.
It has now reached a stage where even hearing the word ‘masculinity’ results in most men of all ages switching off as the message they are hearing is that all masculinity represents misogyny and an abuse of power.
As a result, at a period of time when we want most men to be standing up to be counted, they are instead not wanting to be involved.
To be clear, most men I know are horrified at the statistics not just of the ever-increasing body count of dead women but also of domestic and family violence, sexual assault and sexual harassment.
Most men don’t see it as their issue, and rightly or wrongly, they don’t identify with anyone campaigning for an end to gendered violence.
As a result, most men (particularly young men) are interpreting the public education campaigns feeling targeted and blamed for gendered violence.
Yet, until we have most men committed to ending gendered violence, we will never make any headway.
What troubles me is that most men I talk to believe that ‘masculine descriptors’ such as tough, in control, strong and stoic, to name a few, are seen as being problematic which is putting them offside from the very start.
This is not the message that most men need to be hearing.
Indeed, there are many people (of both genders) who would consider these characteristics as something to aspire to.
As a result, we must shift the discussion with most men when we are talking about violence against women – it is not a battle of genders and stereotypes, but one of using individual characteristics to bring about change.
It should be accepted that most men are not toxic. Most men understand what it means to be a good man and have a positive view of masculinity, but they aren’t talking to their mates, brothers, fathers and sons about it.
Instead, they are relying upon schools, academics and politicians to be filling the void as to what they believe is positive masculinity.
Whilst it is well intentioned and better than the alternative of nothing, it is no substitute from hearing the message from those that we respect and love.
The time is now for most men to man up and talk publicly to their friends, families and work colleagues about gendered violence in all its forms.
To talk about how a fundamental part of masculinity and being a good man, means condemning and calling out gendered violence, misogyny, sexism, and a lack of respect for women.
Most men need to realise that it is in their power to change the statistics.
Not because they are responsible for the statistics, but because they, most men, good men, can change all men’s views that it is never ok to use violence,
power or control over a woman, any woman under any circumstances.
* Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council member Adair Donaldson is lawyer, educator and mediator who for the last 27 years has been at forefront assisting people who have survived trauma, educating people in relation to the legal consequence so their actions and consulting with workplaces to bring about cultural change.
Find out more about Adair at Instagram @donaldsonadair or adairdonaldson.com.au
